so i made another family collage because the inkscape one i was working with was a corrupt file. the two were set up in similar ways seperating my self from my 2 sides of family. i wanted myself in the middle because i don't really know where i fit in, so i feel somewhere in the middle. i've always been somewhat on my own, which is kind of ironic seeing as how large my family is. staring in the top left is my mother's mom, and next to her is my grandfather who i never met. that side of my family is italian and they both came from big families. I guess that's why they had 8 children of their own and that's represented by the picture directly under them. those are my 5 uncles and 2 aunts. as a family they ran a pizza place in deer park, and it is actually where my parents met. beneath them is a picture from our annual family picnic. we don't have them anymore but for 20 years it was somewhat of a tradition. the rightmost picture in that grouping is a picture of my grandma and my great aunt, her sister and only remaining sibling. Surrounding me is my brother, sister, and three cousins. we all have names starting with K's except for my brother who is the oddball named Robert.
on the bottom of the opposite side is my dad's parents. my grandfather was in the navy. later he was a firefighter, then a police officer and you can see the double picture of him from when he retired as Amityville's Chief of Police. A chilling fact about my grandfather, was that he was the first responding officer to the Amityville Horror crime scene. A couple years ago, when they made the ryan reynolds remake, he was interviewed, and the interview is on the dvd. my dad's family was set up just like mine is. There were two boys and a girl, unfortunately i never met my aunt, his sister. to tell you the truth i do not know how she died, and it has never felt ok to ask. i have wondered before but i don't know what it would stir up. to tell you the truth feelings and talking about stuff is something i have never felt comfortable with, and i feel like it stems from my family. that's usually not something you attribute with family, mainly because families are supposed to be open and honest, but to a degree i don't feel comfortable with my family. i have always felt like i just don't belong, and that i am different. and to tell you the truth, i am different.
there has always been a lot of drama in both sides of my family. who's not talking to who, who owes who something, blah blah blah. everyone's ego is so big, and i feel like everyone is out to impress everyone else, it takes away from the good, and the biggest reason why i try to separate from my family as much as possible. the worst feeling i have bout my family is that it's fake. i don't know w=how to explain it, but i feel like it is.
over the last year my grandma on my mom's side has been sick, and it's really shitty seeing how everything is playing out. you would think everyone would be able to put everything aside and get over petty difference, bruised egos, power trips, etc. it's actually the complete opposite. everything is driven around money, and who doesn't want to pay for this or that, and it sickens me. referring back to the picture of my three cousins with my siblings and i, they are the ones out of my whole family who i really talk to. what's hard is the fact that everyone's ages are so spread out. my oldest cousin is 2 years younger than my mom, because she was the youngest. they are like my friends in the sense that we do a lot together and they are some of the few people who really "understand" me, and i'm putting understand in quotes because they are the only few that i feel comfortable being around, and i sometimes feel like they don't even get me.
getting back to my collage the pictures of me in the middle strewn about represent my moods, feelings, understanding, and realizations about everything around me and myself. i don't really know why i couldn't put this in words, but i've been trying to for weeks, and i can't get myself to talk about it. writing it seems a little safer. i don't know if i'm just tricking myself into feeling more comfortable, or trying to hide behind something, but i figure this way i'm still shedding light into myself and getting my story out there.
don't get me wrong, i had a great childhood. we had tons of parties mainly because there are so many goddamn people in my family. christmas took forever and we would open presents one at a time. it's not that i hate them in any way. i still do enjoy seeing them, but i'm able to see through them, if that makes sense.
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