I've been in a bad way lately. For over a year, without disclosing anything too personal, I've been heading toward a road I knew was a dead end, actively pursuing it despite my own instincts and others' advice, hoping that the inevitable end was going to be different. That this time, because I really wanted it to, the road would extend into something beyond a trap. I've been traveling on this futile road, with selfish thoughts and the desire for the comfort it gave me, but all the time, even when I thought I was having fun, a voice in the back of my head told me not to get to comfortable. It told me that whatever momentary happiness this journey is giving me will inevitably cease sooner rather than later. I still didn't want to believe it, I wanted to see for myself that this road was going nowhere, and that it would bring me nothing but inner turmoil. A few times, I thought I've hit that dead end, but for some reason, they turned out to be momentary roadblocks, perhaps as a warning for what was to come. I should have listened to that, and turned around, but still I couldn't. The supposed light at the end of the tunnel that is the hope I kept alive in spite of myself kept me pushing forward. Tonight, after more than a year of traveling, I finally met the end of it. I see the road, the road was in fact a dead end, just like everyone told me, and just like I knew deep down already. Though I thought I've reached this before, this time feels decidedly different and final. Standing here, with nowhere else to go but back, I wonder if given the opportunity, would I take this fruitless journey again. Part of me, the kind who still held out hope for so long for a bright ending, thinks that I probably would, but the other part of me wishes I'd never gotten in the car in the first place. The road was never meant for me to travel, and I did anyway. I deserve to be where I am right now, in fact, I'm surprised I didn't reach this place sooner. In a way, I know that this is a good thing, that finally seeing that this path leads me nowhere will finally get me to move on. It is an interesting feeling though, to know something is imminent, inevitable, and yet so surprising when it actually happens. Maybe now I can find a new path, one that is right for me, meant for me, and will take me places I thought only that old road could. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't wish I could just go back to the old road's familar yet exciting comforts, and be happy in my stagnation. I feel sick to my stomach to start over, but I know that this is best of me. My biggest regret so far is the time wasted on that old path. I can never get that back, but I did learn a lot on the way, so I guess all is not lost.
I guess what I am trying to say in that terribly overextended metaphor, is that life is so painfully short. We shouldn't do something that doesn't make us happy, or isn't going anywhere just because it feels safe or comfortable. We shouldn't put all of our eggs into one basket, because let's face it, the basket is probably going to break. Life isn't one big party, I know that, but it shouldn't be a struggle either. We should be able to wake up every morning and be able to stare at ourselves in the mirror. Life was meant to be lived, and it is not to be lived for other people. We need people in this world, a support system, friends, family, but our reason to get out of bed should not be someone else.
We should do something that ideally, pays the bills, and gets us excited to go to work everyday. That is a luxury and I only hope that I fortunate enough in life to have that, but I know I must make that happen. I can count on advice and support from friends but at the end of the day, I'm the one at the driver's seat of my life, I'm the one that has to make choices that will lead me to where I end up, wherever that may be. In order for me to do all of that, I have to treat myself better. I have to nourish my mind, body, and soul, and never neglect any aspect. Life, if we were to capture it on film, is just a bunch of textures of time. We shouldn't just mark time however, we should use it as we don't get a lot of it.
It is a terrible but exhilarating feeling to know that as of today, I get to start all over. I bet I'll be looking back on so many moments, wishing for their return, but I know that just isn't in the cards for me. I'd love to see them, played out like little textures of time themselves. I'm sure smiles would be plentiful, as would many laughs. Now, I'll be walking alone, but it's better than walking with someone who wasn't heading where I was anyway.
I guess that's it for now. I included a few textures of time that I thought were kind of fitting. One where I'm walking, I'm not sure whats on the other side of the door, and the symbolism seems to perfect for words. Also, I have my dog, trapped in her cage, and water going down the drain, which, as melodramatic as it sounds, feels like my life right now. Though this post has basically exhausted metaphors, I have to include that for obvious reasons. :)
