last post

so this is my 50th post. i want to apologize to those who read them because most of them were rants. i have to say it was nice to have an outlet, some place to just say what was on my mind, even when what was on my mind was really stupid. sketchup was fun to play around with, and it did remind me a lot of autocad. i am going to keep the program to fiddle around with when i get bored, and who knows what that could lead to down the line. most of the other programs were hard to get used to, and i don't know if i'll use them again. i am grateful for this class because i most likely would never have used garage band or iMovie and now i definitely will in the future, maybe as i'm making my real world audition tape!!!

sunrise and birds

i must be a really f*$%$d up person, because i get extremely annoyed every time i hear the birds chirping in the morning as the sun is rising. it could be the fact that i want to be asleep, and the cheeriness wants to make me die, or the fact that they make the same repetitive noises over and over again. this isn't the only time i thought about the birds this week. as i was walking around fire island sunday morning i came to this realization, and now it is happening all over again. i like birds, i just wsh they weren't so cheery when i am trying to sleep!

gaga tix

so a friend at work had a pair of gaga tickets and she asked me if i could help her sell them because she had to get rid of them. so my first instinct was like, i'll buy them. well i forgot that i was going to a sort of reunion on the same day of the concert. one of my friends is back home for a short period of time, and a bunch of my other friends who haven't seen each other in a really long time are getting together. me being a good friend decided not to buy the tickets, and i was sure they were gonna sell in seconds. to my surprise they didn't go that fast. the person was willing to get rid of them for a pretty great deal, seeing as how the cheapest tickets through ticketmaster were $195. they did end up selling, but i found it astonishing after trying to get tickets to the past 8 shows in nyc and having no luck, no one that i knew needed tickets.

last sketchup

i made a fun little movie set using square and triangle as well as the 3-d warehouse

a brief look into my obsession

so after telling you about my dependency on credit cards i decided to validate that post by counting the pairs of jeans i have.

87

now i know it sounds kind of crazy, and it really is. i have them folded floor to ceiling in a series of shelves i put together. i do donate a lot of stuff though, if that makes it better in any way.

yeah perez!

i don't know why but every time i open the internet i have to go to perez hilton to see what's going on. it's my homepage so thats one of the reasons why i go every time in open the internet, but its almost like a sickness. i like seeing what's going on with things, and to tell you the truth, i have found out about some big things before from perez, and actually i was able to tell a lot of people first. i will say that sometimes he goes overboard, but everything is usually really funny. i think its a great blog.

a walking contradiction

i really hate to admit this, but i have so many contradictory statements running through my head at any given moment. i just told you how i want to get on the right track and get to a place where i can save money and move out on my own, and on the other hand all i want to do is quit my job. i really have been unhappy there for a while, and it's not the job, because i enjoy it (most of the time). i don't feel like i belong there. it just takes me back to what i really want to do with my life, and then i get pissed because i have no idea.

paper or plastic

i've been trying to renew my life, move in a way out of the dependency of plastic, but not in the normal way. with companies going green, emphasis on recycling, i want to use more paper and try to get rid of plastic. now you may be thinking i'm crazy but what i'm referring to is my use of cash versus credit cards. i've had credit cards since i turned 18 and it would be safe to say that my spending has gone into the 6 figure range. i have realized that i am not living smart, and in no way ready to move out on my own, because i have basically nothing. i am so grateful for everything y parents have done for me and keep doing in terms of supporting me, and i want to be able to turn it around and get to a place where i can get an apartment, move out of my house, andhave something of my own. with 7 credit cards under my name i reduced that to 1, for emergency use. recently it seems that i have been having way to many emergencies. i am serious about getting my spending under control, its just that it is so freakin' hard. i like to do a lot of stuff and buy a lot of things. this year is going to be the year that i turn it around though, because i want to be out of my house by 24. with my 23 birthday only a month away i am going to be cracking down, and getting my shit together, mainly because i don't have any other option. i hate the fact that i have worked for so many years and have no money saved. i told you guys about my plans to travel, and i know that wont happen unless i break my dependency on credit cards, and my wild spending.

My family & I, minus the video

so i made another family collage because the inkscape one i was working with was a corrupt file. the two were set up in similar ways seperating my self from my 2 sides of family. i wanted myself in the middle because i don't really know where i fit in, so i feel somewhere in the middle. i've always been somewhat on my own, which is kind of ironic seeing as how large my family is. staring in the top left is my mother's mom, and next to her is my grandfather who i never met. that side of my family is italian and they both came from big families. I guess that's why they had 8 children of their own and that's represented by the picture directly under them. those are my 5 uncles and 2 aunts. as a family they ran a pizza place in deer park, and it is actually where my parents met. beneath them is a picture from our annual family picnic. we don't have them anymore but for 20 years it was somewhat of a tradition. the rightmost picture in that grouping is a picture of my grandma and my great aunt, her sister and only remaining sibling. Surrounding me is my brother, sister, and three cousins. we all have names starting with K's except for my brother who is the oddball named Robert.

on the bottom of the opposite side is my dad's parents. my grandfather was in the navy. later he was a firefighter, then a police officer and you can see the double picture of him from when he retired as Amityville's Chief of Police. A chilling fact about my grandfather, was that he was the first responding officer to the Amityville Horror crime scene. A couple years ago, when they made the ryan reynolds remake, he was interviewed, and the interview is on the dvd. my dad's family was set up just like mine is. There were two boys and a girl, unfortunately i never met my aunt, his sister. to tell you the truth i do not know how she died, and it has never felt ok to ask. i have wondered before but i don't know what it would stir up. to tell you the truth feelings and talking about stuff is something i have never felt comfortable with, and i feel like it stems from my family. that's usually not something you attribute with family, mainly because families are supposed to be open and honest, but to a degree i don't feel comfortable with my family. i have always felt like i just don't belong, and that i am different. and to tell you the truth, i am different.

there has always been a lot of drama in both sides of my family. who's not talking to who, who owes who something, blah blah blah. everyone's ego is so big, and i feel like everyone is out to impress everyone else, it takes away from the good, and the biggest reason why i try to separate from my family as much as possible. the worst feeling i have bout my family is that it's fake. i don't know w=how to explain it, but i feel like it is.

over the last year my grandma on my mom's side has been sick, and it's really shitty seeing how everything is playing out. you would think everyone would be able to put everything aside and get over petty difference, bruised egos, power trips, etc. it's actually the complete opposite. everything is driven around money, and who doesn't want to pay for this or that, and it sickens me. referring back to the picture of my three cousins with my siblings and i, they are the ones out of my whole family who i really talk to. what's hard is the fact that everyone's ages are so spread out. my oldest cousin is 2 years younger than my mom, because she was the youngest. they are like my friends in the sense that we do a lot together and they are some of the few people who really "understand" me, and i'm putting understand in quotes because they are the only few that i feel comfortable being around, and i sometimes feel like they don't even get me.

getting back to my collage the pictures of me in the middle strewn about represent my moods, feelings, understanding, and realizations about everything around me and myself. i don't really know why i couldn't put this in words, but i've been trying to for weeks, and i can't get myself to talk about it. writing it seems a little safer. i don't know if i'm just tricking myself into feeling more comfortable, or trying to hide behind something, but i figure this way i'm still shedding light into myself and getting my story out there.

don't get me wrong, i had a great childhood. we had tons of parties mainly because there are so many goddamn people in my family. christmas took forever and we would open presents one at a time. it's not that i hate them in any way. i still do enjoy seeing them, but i'm able to see through them, if that makes sense.

me in a box

so i thought it would be interesting to create a box to view myself using my pictures from my collage and a sketchup cube as a viewing mechanism. the person on the inside sees the pictures differently than the people on the outside, and i find that representation similar to how i feel about myself, and how people perceive me.

why am i crazy

i wish i knew why i did the things i do. some things come so easy and other things really don't. i have a lot of insecurities and that has stopped me from doing a lot of things ever since i was young. i find myself uncomfortable in a lot of situations and i really hate that because it has stopped me from putting myself out there, having fun, and starting relationships. now at 22 & 11/12 i'm trying not to hold myself back anymore. the whole self sabotage factor is really powerful, and is like a battle between good and evil every day. i want to know what's gonna flip the switch inside me and get things back on the track they should be.

McDonald's or the Gym

every day i have the greatest intensions, and want to make the best of it. there are things that i want to get done, but for whatever reason i never get around to doing them, or i just cant get myself to want to do. today, and almost every day this week, i've wanted to go to the gym. i haven't gone in a while and i neeeeeeed to get into better shape, and real fast. i have been eating a lot better than i was let's say six months ago. can i give you an answer why i ate McDonald's twice today? ummm no, and i know that that is terrible. i actually hate myself a little for doing it, but it's so damn good... until you finish everything in a way too short amount of time and feel like a beached whale. and then i'm like, "so much for the gym."

tanning

i love being tan. this summer is turning out to be a scorcher and i would love to be laying out every moment i get, but i just don't have the time. when i do have the time, it sucks out. so what am i supposed to do. well most people don't agree with this but i go tanning. i've been going for about 3 years now and i love getting a day at the beach tan within a couple of minutes. most of the time its actually relaxing. i've heard all the reports out there, everything about cancer and how tanning is terrible for you. for me, i don't know if i don't believe it or if i just don't care. nowadays what doesn't have adverse effects. it seems that everything we do in some ways is going to come back to bite us in the ass. this may be my superficial side rearing its ugly head, but if somethings going to happen to me, i might as well look good doing it.

sketchup house

i've been working on this house for days now, and it was my biggest project of the session. it represents my aesthetic as a designer based around modern architecture, with classic and bold pieces.

circle space

iPhone vs. blackberry

it has recently been put out there that the iPhone will be coming to Verizon within a few months. Or at least that is the rumor unless AT&T renegotiates another exclusivity deal with Apple. In the event that the iPhone does come to Verizon i will be faced with the decision of a lifetime. Stay with my blackberry, which i love. i have the Tour and it's a great phone. Or do i switch to the iPhone. Is it all hype. i had a iPod touch... until i lost it on the train, and i really didn't love it. i know it sounds weird, but i wasn't too crazy about the touch screen. i did love the game of UNO and Phase 10 apps i had, but that was about it. i much prefer my classic iPod. i must admit for a phone the iPhone 4 is kinda sexy. i guess i can't decide either way until i hear the official word if Apple will team with Verizon.

what's under the bridge? a house

La Loca

"Lindsay Lohan has to surrender herself to the court on July 20th at 8:30 AM to begin serving a 90 day jail sentence. The hard-pAArtying actress was also ordered to serve an additional 90 days at an in-patient rehab treatment." courtesy of perezhilton.com

if this is true and i really hope it is, it was only a matter of time and i really think it's what she needs. i think that if lindsay ever wants to have a successful career, the likes of which she once had pre mean girls, this will be good for her, and she will finally get the help she needs, and take it to heart. i can't take another story of her having to go to court. my head is about to explode with all the shit her white trash family gets into on a daily basis. her dad is crazy, her mom is delusional, her sister is a tranny, and she is a hott mess minus the hott!

i want the only lindsay back. at this point we can only hope.

web of desires

lately i have been feeling very restless, in terms of where i am in my life versus where i feel like i should be and what i want to do with the rest of my life. i am very undecided as what i want to be when i grow up, and on one hand i feel like that is a good thing, because it leaves me open to infinite possibilities, and on the other hand i feel lost. currently i am at a job that i am good at and have multiple opportunities for advancement, but it's not my passion. here's the problem, i don't know what my passions are. that's why i feel like i've put more emphasis on having fun and letting loose this summer. i feel like i am search for what i want by putting myself through new experiences and letting go. i know that i don't want to be in retail for the rest of my life. that's not entirely true, in the sense that i could see myself being a stylist, or something centered around art, entertainment, design, and creation. the thing i think i love about retail and why i've stuck with it for so long is the presentation piece. i am all about a finished product with emphasis on detail and design. i guess only time will tell where that leads me.

california boy

on the long list of my to-do's is a trip to california. i think that the end of summer may have to be when i check that off my list. i'm trying to have the most eventful summer of my life and i think that would be the perfect way to bring it to an end. it would also be a pretty sick birthday present to myself. i don't even know what i would do first because i would want to see L.A. and all of Hollywood, the rest of southern cali, laguna beach, and San Francisco. it would probably be a dangerous trip for me with all the potential shopping and partying damage that i could incur. like i said, it's something i've always wanted to do, and i want to travel and see things that i never have seen before. stepping into the pacific ocean would a great start. i would love to travel the world, and i want to start with California.